Affair (Part 2)

You are married.

You started to have a funny feeling. In fact, you started to have that funny feeling for a while now, but you can't pin-point when it started. Your heart seems to be pounding faster for no reason almost all the time. Yes, you actually can feel it whenever you are awake. Hey, sometimes you can even feel it when you are asleep too when that feeling actually wakes you up.

You can't describe that feeling. It's sweet but a bit bitter. Call it "bitter-sweet". It's a subtle pain in the chest like a lump choking your throat. Definately uncomfortable sometimes, but when it's suddenly not there, you'll feel empty. In the beginning, if you were to choose between the pain and the emptiness, you probably choose the emptiness. After a while, you feel that you need the pain. It's part of you and the emptiness is more painful it's killing.

And then, how about that person? That person is the cause of all those bitter-sweet pain? Secretly, you found yourself calling that person's name in silence. You woke up in the middle of the night and the first thing in your mind is that person. Wherever you look at - in your lunch plate, on the TV screen, at the presentation slide, on the wall, in the sky, on the moving vehicle - you see that person everywhere. Everywhere. Anywhere. It's overwhelming and deafening with you isolated from your surrounding. You feel hopeless yet you feel alive. You started to smile for no reason and people around you can see your looked different. You looked happier and it's simply weird.

... and that person is not your spouse.

You may think you did something wrong. This can't be right, but yet this can't be wrong either. You know that whenever you are with that person, you feel happier. You become that different person you always want to be. How can you feel happier when you are with that person? That person is supposed to be nothing, but then how come that person is now something? Something that really matter? That's not right, but yet that can't be wrong either. Yes, you are repeating yourself but you can't stop it. But what you know is that you always found yourself wanted to leave but at the same time you look for a reason not to.

Does that person feel the same? You don't know but you do hope so. That person seems to know you more than anyone else in the world. Why can't that person be your spouse? You know inside you, that person actually feel the same. That person don't need to tell you but you somehow know that. You know that person feel exactly what you feel - the bitter-sweet pain, the funny feeling in the chest, you being everywhere that person look at, your name called in silence all the time.... You know and you are sure that person is as in pain as you are, but that person is happy nevertheless. Do you feel guilty? Sometimes you do. Then you tell yourself that no one get hurt, so it should be OK. Does it?

You don't know what to do. You feel hopeless. You wish your life is different and you can rewind your time backward only that in the past you meet that person first. Then your life shall surely be a fairy tale. Why can't you meet that person years ago when you were single? Why that person? Why this? Why now?

You are having an affair? You tell me.


~ Ri Stranger